Sheetal :)

  “Watson. Come at once if convenient. If inconvenient, come all the same.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle.                                          I have passed through my entire life feeling as if it were an apology. As if I was an apology. A means to rectify and justify a series of mishaps. A vehicle to compensate for the what if’s. Someone to live through and not live as. And boy did I. But that’s a thought for another time. After having lived as such and for someone else, I very recently came to start wanting to live for myself. Selfishly. Unapologetically. Unconfined to someone else’s existence. And so I did.      Every time I make these decisions to do as I want, I feel like I jump off another plane - blind and without a parachute to ensure safe landings. My journey into another realm of self-discovery always seems to beg...

" We were together. I forget the rest" - Walt Whitman. I never thought that the concept of human beings would become a facet of my life that I would ever come to care for. Ever since I was little, people were not a stagnant concept and they never existed in my life in a capacity where they had an impact on it in a positive sense. Beginning with a birth giver and onward to more impactful chosen relationships like that of friends and acquaintances, I had gotten used to the idea that it most likely would not work out and so people were not something that I let myself consider a commodity. 2020 and quarantine for me personally, and I’m sure it holds true for a lot of other people as well was extraordinarily life-altering. Because it was such a globally shared phenomenon, it forced me to be stuck with myself and this change then caused a spiral of self-observation and reflection which in turn accelerated personal growth. The concept that all humans need human interaction to surviv...

For whenever you’re willing to take a stand There comes an entourage questioning your sanity and not the man It’s okay they say  Take what comes your way Fight what it is you want said At the end of the day, you have to find your place on someone else’s bed. Dignity is such a big deal  And yet Is anyone ever asking this girl how she feels? She throws around the fact that she wishes she was dead So easily, but why is it her who has to have suffered, it really should be this man's head. Settle down, relax, it will all fade away No, it won’t, I still feel his hand on my waist. I feel his hands all over me and all I want to do is peel every inch of my skin off, I can’t have anyone near me without wanting to scream get it off! Get it off! Why is it nobody is willing to listen to every word I have been screaming out loud?! You have me questioning if it is me, have I willingly attracted the wrong crowd? Why did you let me grow up this way, with nothing to be said and nowhere to say i...

As I stand on the cliff overlooking the sea I am asked if I’m sure I want to jump. No I said, the ground behind and it’s consequences bind me helpless. The  responsibility I shoulder, the obligations I chose to take on, the decisions I have made and the people that I chose to care about more than I can myself hold me back. Is it funny or is it irony that the very reasons that hold me back also try and shove me off here. Does it make sense that the world we live in revolves so much around the very things that aren’t supposed to matter. What’s in a face? What’s in a shell? Isn’t the inside supposed to matter? Hasn’t self esteem been shoved down our throats based on these very words. Doesn’t the inside count? Don’t I deserve to be loved? If all that’s been said is true and I do then why is it I have forsaken all of the love I had and love has never once loved me back? These questions bring me here everyday and make me stare off and wonder everyday if this is all worth it. Is there a...

Loneliness is a feeling I'm slowly becoming familiar with. Its not even about being alone anymore. Its being in a room full of people and feeling like the most alone person in the world. The most familiar people seem so distant and the strangers have become the closest friends , what with the occasional hi and hello. I feel like that's all the human contact my body is allowing me to take. Smiling at someone I do not know is the most comfortable feeling right now. But gathering up a smile for a close one takes a lot of energy and is so draining.In a room full of people , my social being self closes up again. This feeling feels like something that latches on. Let's hope not. I do not know how to conduct myself anymore. I dont know what to say. I have forced myself into a corner.The demons are back , reminding me why I'm nothing and how I'm useless and disgusting and ugly and it seems like for the first time I agree. Ugh. If this what being emotionless feels like, le...

" Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives." Ahead of the Mental Health Awareness Month, I would like to add a little bit to a conversation that has been doing the rounds on my newsfeed, the ignorance of a very select group of people with regards to the topic of Depression or as they like to put it 'You're just sad.'  First of all, never ever  TELL a human being what they're feeling. Their emotions and how they are or not feeling is not for you to judge, analyse or conclude. It is their own. Happy, sad, angry, hurt, frustrated or depressed, never ask why or how. That's none of your concern. I'm sure you have enough worries and feelings of your own, so I suggest you focus on that. If they need you to put a label on the shit that they're going through they will ask, don't you think?  Second, if you're in a rare situation where a friend musters up all the courage they h...