Convenience.

 “Watson. Come at once if convenient. If inconvenient, come all the same.”

― Arthur Conan Doyle.

                                        

I have passed through my entire life feeling as if it were an apology. As if I was an apology. A means to rectify and justify a series of mishaps. A vehicle to compensate for the what if’s. Someone to live through and not live as. And boy did I. But that’s a thought for another time. After having lived as such and for someone else, I very recently came to start wanting to live for myself. Selfishly. Unapologetically. Unconfined to someone else’s existence. And so I did.

    Every time I make these decisions to do as I want, I feel like I jump off another plane - blind and without a parachute to ensure safe landings. My journey into another realm of self-discovery always seems to begin with me badly wounded (you know from that rough landing) and no direction. So I go where the wounds take me. And it always irrevocably takes me to people. They always seem to play a part in the way I get shaped. We all know how I feel about people by now. I can pinpoint every single lesson in my life to a person and so I think I’ve gotten pretty good at them and it always seems eu-fucking-phoric when I meet someone because I know they’re going to serve a purpose. The purpose I have come to realize doesn’t always have to be good. But this isn’t about the people. This is about me. In the most existential sense, what purpose do I serve in their lives? Have you ever been able to pinpoint the exact moment that you realized the value of yourself in someone’s life? The exact moment that you looked at someone and you knew where you stood? Yeah. That one. How does that look for you?

    I’ll go. Convenient. That’s how I look. Pretty fucked up. And I know it looks shitty for the people. But what does that say about me? For you to feel as if you’re convenient has to say something about you. For me, it seems to say there’s the bitch that went and did the same shit all over again. Overcompensated for someone with something she doesn’t even have enough of. Gave someone the immediate time she very clearly needed. Dropped things that were important for her life or day and donated that hour and day to someone else. Used energy on something for someone that she couldn’t even afford. Let someone take her on the wildest and most redundant ride of her life. Yet again. There’s the bitch whose life went around another one of the same circles and there is she yet again left with, surprise surprise, nothing. Ha.